We're better off for all that we let in

Dust in our eyes our own boots kicked up
Heartsick we nursed along the way we picked up
You may not see it when it's sticking to your skin
But we're better off for all that we let in

Lost friends and loved ones much too young
So much promises and work left undone
When all that guards us is a single centerline
And the brutal crossing over when it's time

I don't know where it all begins
And I don't know where it all will end
We're better off for all that we let in

See those crosses on the side of the road
Tied with ribbons in the median
They make me grateful I can go this far
Lay me down and never wake me up again

Kat writes a poem and she sticks it on my truck
We don't believe in war and we don't believe in luck
The birds were calling to her what were they saying
As the gate blew open the tops of the trees were swaying

I don't know where it all begins
And I don't know where it all will end
We're better off for all that we let in







Ya’ll are going to have to bear with me. I am sure at the beginning of this post you all are going to be like what the hell does this have to do with adoption. It has a lot to do with OUR adoption I will get to that at the end.

As you see from my other post we used a known donor 4 times. What that means is we asked a friend for his sperm. Well it didn’t quit go like that cause I am always scared. First we paid an outrages amount of money to artificially inseminate with unknown donor sperm 3 times because I was scared that if we asked someone that one day he would come back and claim the child. We also made the donor who agreed to go through $700 worth of blood tests and sign an unknown donor agreement. After all that I was still scared the agreeing donor was going to come back and claim the child so I lied and told him that we used frozen unknown donor sperm in the same cycle as his. That way when the child was born he might think it wasn’t his.
All this I did because I was scared.
It is one of my biggest regrets and largest life lessons.
Without what we went through with our known donor I am 100% sure I would not be writing these blogs. I would be too scared that some crazed person would find this blog and hunt me down one day. Or that the Ethiopian government would have people searching the internet for gays who want to adopt in their country. Crazy I know!
What changed me so much is our donor died when I was 7 days past artificial insemination with his sperm. He went to bed and never woke up again at age 36.



No one will ever understand the exact pain I went though having m/c his child at 8 weeks just months before he died. No one will understand how when we asked him to be a known donor he said yes cause he wanted a little part of him out there and how I felt when I realized I had lied to him. How even when I told him I was pregnant I told him that I would probably m/c. How after his death I went to the funeral knowing there was a possibility I was pregnant right then and there with his child. How when my period came a week after his funeral I cant remember how i felt or even when it came. It’s too much pain and complicated for my mind to get around.
It’s still shaping me. The largest way it changed me though is a refuse to be scared. Everything major I do in my life I rethink if I am doing it out of fear.





He had nothing to do with it but the gift
I had a chance to lift
Instead
I said "don't get your hopes up this time"
I laugh at my ignorance now when I was hiding the double lines
It finds a way to my box of regrets
The biggest… and yet I keep trying
Finding a way to say "he would want it this way"
Happiness is hidden somewhere in this lie
His sighs, confusion saying "do we try again this time"
I had a chance to lift
Instead
I lied and said there was another







I sometimes think what it would be like to have his child now. What color hair would he/she have would he/she be a comfort when I am missing my friend. After all is said and done I have to believe there is a larger plan. That all along we where meant to have Caleb and that our donor is in heaven and knows that as well. I have a strong calling to Caleb wherever he is. I already feel the connection. And I never let myself wonder if it was supposed to happen any other way.





We own nothing
Nothing is ours
Not even love so fierce it burns like baby stars
But this poverty is our greatest gift
The weightlessness of us as things around begin to shift


Remember everything I told you
Keep it in your heart like a stone
And when the winds have blown things round and back again
What was once your pain will be your home

Everything in its own time
Everything in its own time

-C